the inevitable...

Well, I've used about every excuse possible to get out of writing this post so I guess I just need to get it over with. We went to the neurologist a couple of weeks ago and had Gracie evaluated. This was a much less emotional visit than the ophthalmologist and David was with me so I was well-prepared. I think I knew in the back of my mind what the results would show. Gracie does have neurological damage. It's not so much the fact that she has the damage...that I can deal with. We know Gracie and how she is. We are fine with the way she is and wouldn't change a hair on her. It's more the fact that we don't know definitively what happened to her before WRNT rescued her. That is the truly frustrating part. The doctor would ask us a question about Gracie and at least half of them we couldn't answer because we just don't know. When we were talking about the seizure that her former owner said she had but we aren't even sure if she had one. The doctor asked if she has had any more...no. Well, that is apparently good. The longer she goes without one, the better. Plus, the fact that she has steadily been improving since we got her is also good. However, apparently some seizures don't start until after they turn 1. So, long story short, we just wait and see. I can't tell you how many times I've heard that since having Gracie. David and I were told "wait and see" when she was first pulled from the shelter and we didn't know if she would be able to make the trip from Houston to Dallas. We were told "wait and see" when we didn't know if she would make it out of her anemic state of weakness and just survive. We were told "wait and see" if she has neurological damage until after she regains her health and strength. We were told "wait and see" when we were unsure if she would regain any of her sight. I'm such a solution-oriented person and this does not compute! Give me a problem and I will figure out a way to solve it on my own or 'google' an answer. But God gave me a lesson in humility and acceptance when he plopped that scrawny gray puppy in my lap. I can't fix Gracie. I have nursed her back to health and shown her what a good life can be in a loving family. But there are problems that I can't solve. I can't make her see again although the thought of her being able to put faces with voices brings tears to my eyes. I can't fix the damage done in her brain. These are the things that I have both accepted yet still hold out hope that something will change. On the one hand, I can accept that she is blind and has the symptoms that go along with neuro issues. What I can't accept is that, in this modern world, there isn't something that can be done to help her. Or why something wasn't done to prevent this from happening in the first place. Both of which I had/have absolutely NO control over! Remember, the ophthalmologist said that he was sure she wasn't born blind. If only... I won't even go there.
Enough lamenting...
Here are the facts from neuro: her circling, weakness in hind legs, clumsiness/falling over are all attributable to the brain damage that she sustained early in her life. We can't tell she has an abnormal gait until she runs full speed. She will start pulling both hind legs up at the same time when running fast. I think she looks like a jackrabbit. She will more than likely not regain her sight, although she does have some ability to distinguish light from dark and is responsive to light. We are unsure of the weakness in her hind legs. I would love to say that we can build her strength but we just don't know. She will probably always do, to some degree, her 'Gracie Circles'. But then again, would she be Gracie without the Gracie Circles?